Navigating Care with Siblings

 Caregiving is hard. There is no question about that. It can be even more difficult when siblings are not in agreement about the care plan, or when the responsibilities fall to one or more siblings disproportionately. There are several things to keep in mind as you navigate through that family dynamic.If it isn’t too late, find out from your loved one what their wishes are. Some of these topics can be hard, but it’s much harder if one is left to guess what your loved one wanted. It alleviates a great deal of stress and miscommunication if desires are made clear from the start. Be sure to complete an Advance Care Plan, Living will, discuss where they would like to age (Plan A), but even more importantly, if that plan is not feasible, what is Plan B? What constitutes a good quality of life for them? How can the family work together to achieve those goals?Family meetings: Sometimes family meetings can be beneficial in getting everyone on the same page. It is helpful to follow some guidelines to achieve the best result. These include:

1. Choose a time and place where you will not be interrupted and can be open and honest in a safe environment. Caregiving is stressful anyway and emotions and tensions can sometimes run high. Try to alleviate any added stressors for the meeting.
2. Be factual with information. Sometimes a family member may not realize the severity of the situation.
3. Avoid “you” statements, such as “you are never there for Mom” which tends to put people on the defensive. Focus on “I” statements instead, like “I feel overwhelmed”.
4. Be honest and do not assume others know what you need. Ask for what you need, as specifically as you can. “I need more help” is too vague. Try “It would be helpful if someone could sit with Mom on Tuesday and Friday evenings for a few hours so I could have a break” or “It would help me out a lot if someone could make dinner on Saturday nights”.
5. Be careful not to fall into childhood roles. It is easy to get the family together and revert to previous dynamics. There might have been the jokester, the peacemaker, the bossy one, etc. It is also easy for childhood squabbles to resurface. Learn to see each other as the adults everyone has become.
6. Don’t expect equality. Research shows that the family member living closest to the individual will carry most of the responsibility. This is especially true if the caregiver is a female, not working outside the home, or is not married. It doesn’t mean, however that everyone can’t contribute something.
7. Acknowledge each other’s strengths. While all siblings may not have the same strengths or be close in proximity, that doesn’t mean they can’t help. Distant caregivers may be able to handle financial matters such as paying bills, scheduling appointments, etc. They may also be able to provide occasional respite for the caregiver or pay for respite care for the full-time caregiver.
8. Let go if you need to. Some people are simply not caregivers. It’s best to understand, and learn early on, that if that is the case, it isn’t beneficial to anyone, especially for the care receiver, for them to be forced or guilted into that role. It may mean you have to move on and accept the situation the way it is, looking to friends, other family members, or caregiver support groups for the support you need.
9. Consider bringing in a mediator. They are trained to conduct meetings fairly and can be beneficial in helping families achieve consensus.